20 Stages of an IKEA Trip

1) I need a few specific things. I have already mapped out where they are. We can be in and out.

2) OK, we're in! Off to the- what? You're starving? I fed you lunch two hours ago and you had a granola bar and an orange in the car on the way here! Fine. I know you are a growing boy. I will buy you a hot dog. Fine. You are all growing children. I will buy you all hot dogs... Fine. And chips and icees because it is so darn cheap.

3) You kids stay with your dad and finish your meals. I will get a head start on browsing. Now I can look at all the things with no one to rush me!

4) Hmmm... maybe I really DO need a pop up colander...

5) Look! New bathroom accessories! That toilet brush is WAY cuter than my current toilet brush.

6) Grab all of the impulse buys.

7) Put 3/4 of the impulse buys back.

8) Re-grab a couple of my former impulse buys.

9) Hello family, you're back! Help me decide if this slab of wood is worth $15. What? It's a shelf! 

10) I like to look at all the things, but the kids like to touch all the things. Stop touching all the things!

11) How long does it take an 11-year-old to pick a plant? No, you do not have to name it before you decide to buy it. Yes, I will look up its scientific name for you. Great, let's go!

12) Time to load our big purchases. Stop running under the rows. We are looking for aisle 15. Stop running under the rows! Looks like the bin number is wrong. STOP running under the rows! Oh good, you found the right one. I SAID STOP RUNNING UNDER THE ROWS!!!

13) Let's pick a line. (Whichever line we get into magically turns into the slowest line.) 

14) Still in line.

15) Hmmm...how did I manage to spend that much money? It doesn't matter- IT'S ALL WORTH IT!

16) We're finally out of the line! Wait- did you pay for Alberto Verizano? (The plant)... Back in the line.

17) Now we're really out of the line! Let's hurry and... get in the elevator line. I cannot believe we spent so much time here.

18) Time to squeeze all of our loot into our tiny car that is already full of small humans. We can totally make it fit.

19) I got way more than we needed. We are never doing that again. 

20) Oh! I just remembered something we missed. I guess we will have to go back soon. I can't wait to do that again!